I've wanted to do this since blogging started but I wondered if I should. I wondered would my blog be read or of interest to any one person on this planet. I wondered would blogging be a cathartic exercise. I wondered and still do, why people feel the need to blog. I mean, we all must have different reasons for doing it. I suppose there would be an element of common ground.... I started, today and wondered what I would say. And I wonder, now, why I have chosen the template I have. I suppose I like the word ethereal. It's a nice word in my opinion. Soft and whimsical. Ha! There should be a Whimsical Template.
Christmas has come and gone. It was lovely but hard to get through. Harder than last year. And this leads me to wonder will next year be worse. Last year, on Thanksgiving eve, my son died from a drug overdose. He was 26. He was alone. He was not found for 3 days. My beautiful, intelligent, witty child was gone forever. Everything changed. He is my only child.
As the holiday season approached I was filled with apprehension and even dread. The love of my life made it a magical time for me. It was our first Christmas together and we spent it in seclusion, just we two. It was good. I was also ill with pneumonia at the time. I wonder, if in some small way, this helped to dull my pain. Regardless, here was me naively believing I was a miracle woman getting through it all so soon after my son's death.
And so the New Year came. Month after month I could feel the increasing sadness in my heart. I was bewildered by this. Isn't it suppose to get easier? Then I recalled a friend of mine, who had lost her daughter a few years before in a car crash, saying, it never gets easier. Oddly, this remembering was of some comfort. Another Facebook friend, who also lost her daughter and was with my son, Jeff, in rehab, confirmed this in a post on his memorial page recently. I have wondered should I get some counseling. I am still wondering that if anyone is wondering.
Certain people have been in my thoughts over this holiday; those people would be the ones I know who have lost a child, a parent, a spouse fairly recently. Shelby lost her father and when that happened I lost my brother. Azmina and Normi lost their daughters.Susan lost her beloved son, her first born. Robin so misses her parents and although this wasn't so recent, the missing of them is still strong. My mom lost her son and the following year lost her grandson. Marilyn lost her daughter. Wendy lost her husband. And I know the pain and the emptiness they feel.
If you are wondering, I want to list them all but I can't. I am thinking of them. They are in my heart and I have tears for them all.
So, it doesn't get easier. It's one less thing to wonder about...